[at-l] I must be stoopid

[Joe]

At 07:22 PM 11/26/2006 -0500, krozby wrote:
>Last week sombody broke into my sisters Sport shop in Columbiana Ohio, so I 
>got stuck repairing the door where they broke in. Anyway I saw something  
>that sparked my interest.  I was looking for a little something special for 
>my wife, Marty to protect herself. We live near Youngstown Ohio, it made the 
>top 10 list for the most dangerous cities in america What I came across was 
>a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser, it was really small and I thought 
>it might be good for backpacking also. The effects of the taser were 
>supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on the 
>assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety... WAY TOO COOL!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two 
>triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I 
>was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND 
>pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue 
>arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. 
>Awesome!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Marty what that burn 
>spot is on the face of her microwave).
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it 
>couldn't be all that bad with only two little triple-A batteries... Right?
>
>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Sonny looking on intently
>(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking 
>that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving 
>target.  I must admit I thought about zapping Sonny (for a fraction of 
>a second) but thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I 
>was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a 
>mugger or carry it into the wilderness, I did want some assurance that it 
>would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading 
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one 
>hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second 
>burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was 
>supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a 
>three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the 
>ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds 
>would be wasting the batteries.
>
>All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, 
>less than 3/4 inch in circumference, (pretty cute really and loaded with 
>two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible 
>waaay!"
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my 
>best.....I'm sitting there alone, Sonny looking on with his head cocked 
>to one side as if to say, "Don't do it Master."  Reasoning that a 
>one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all 
>that bad....I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the 
>heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, 
>and ... HOLY MOTHER ..WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.$$!%*!!!
>
>I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me 
>up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and 
>over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal 
>position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, 
>testicles nowhere to be found, my left arm tucked under my body in the 
>oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me 
>making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, 
>undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!"
>
>Note:  If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one 
>note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you 
>zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged 
>from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second 
>burst would be considered conservative.
>
>SON-OF-A-..... That hurt like h...l!!!
>
>A minute or so later (I can't be sure, since time was a relative thing 
>at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and 
>surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the top of 
>the bookcase. How did they get up there???  My triceps, right thigh and 
>both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up 
>with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for 
>my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
>
>Still in shock, Krozby


Rolling around the floor as well, only laughing and wiping the tears from my
eyes!

joe