[at-l] Parapackers To Help in Speed Record Attempt

[David Severance]

 ( *AP) * Franklin, NC

       At an impromptu news conference held today on the steps of *Main
Street Coffee* (MSC) Milo Garcia confirmed that yes, the parapackers would
once again be providing assistance on another AT speed record attempt.  His
announcement ended months of speculation around the trail community

        A breeze that smelled of coffee and fondue put a sticky coolness in
the air as one by one fifty 37 inch tall parapackers made a semicircle
around the big man.  Most of the parapackers were eagerly awaiting Milo's
speech with their little bomber caps pulled down tight and their heads
tilted upwards at their leader.  As always little Hector was tightly
gripping the white hi-liter he had been using for months to "square up the
blazes " here in there.  Hector insisted that there was absolutely no truth
to the rumor that he would occasionally fill in the double blazes to "keep
hikers alert."

      On Milo's left was little Wendell the unofficial fastest person to
ever hike the AT.  Way back in '93 Wendell took just 21 days, 7 hours, 23
minutes and 2 seconds to complete his Southbound thru-hike.  Many reported
seeing a parapacker pass them as they headed North but few could identify
which of the 50 parapackers it actually was.  Many still believe it was just
a publicity stunt by Milo to sell more of his Fon-gu -the ultimate endurance
energy gel.

     Wendell is credited with the innovative 40/10 ratio.  Forty minutes of
speed hiking/running to every 10 minutes of sleep.  Wendell would spend
about 20 hours hiking and running every day on just 4 hours of sleep.  In
Ward Leonard's memoir, *Oops, I Did it Again *! the 10 time thru hiker
reported coming across Wendell during his record hike.   " I thought I saw
something out of the corner of my eye, and when I looked again, there he was
laying flat on his back on the side of the trail with his legs straight up
against a tree and his arms folded across his chest.    I gave him a little
tap with my hiking stick to make sure he wasn't dead or somethin', and all
of sudden he opened his eyes, said  "Hi-eeeeeeeeee !",  shot straight up and
ran right out of sight down the trail!".

     Milo began to raise his cup of hot fondue as the parapackers all wnt
"eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

     "Good people of Franklin, friends of parapackers, Wingfoot, Warren
Doyle and others !

         This is damm good Fondue !!

       "Eeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww !"  said the parapackers.  "Aaaaawwweeee ! went
the owner of *Main Street Coffee*.

As many of you know a few weeks ago I contacted *Jennifer Pharr-Davis* the
current women's AT speed record holder and told her that the parapackers
would all help crew for her on her assault on the men's reocrd !  Being a
big coffee drinker she agreed to meet us here via Skype and thanks to the
most excellent wi-fi signal at *MSC* here she is  !

      "Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!"  went the parapackers    Milo stepped aside
and there was Little Juan smiling from ear to ear holding an old ibook with
a 14 inch screen as high as his little arms could reach .

           " ummmm, heloo, hello parapackers ! ?"  said a tired looking
Pharr-Davis

" Olla !!! " said Garcia joined by an echoe of all the little parackers
except little Juan who was still smiling.

             Pharr Davis, now seeming a little more at ease,  "I''m truly
excited to start my speed hike in June at Katahdin and knowing that the
parapackers will be joiniing my crew gets me even more psyched to start !

       You know there's nothing like a well lit parapacker to help  see the
trail when it's dark and you've already done 40 for the day."

 Milo has has promised her a batch of his antifungal fondue which, besides
being totally safe to eat (with a woodsy banana-cheesey flavor), is both
good for your feet and the best thing to keep any known flying insect away!
Editor's Note, See generally Fondue -*The Ultimate Trail Food*, Garcia, M.
and Parapacker, Little Enzo, 1974 Rodale Press.

     Little Juan was smiling less now but still looked steady.

     Milo lit a big fat Cuban cigar while Pharr-Davis continued,

I'm figuring I've gotta be doin about 46 or 48 miles a day to have a shot at
the record.  Once I get New England behind me I think I'll be able to run
more and also sleep a little more too.  I'll let Milo tell you about his
plan to provide me with fresh crew members every 3 or 4 days during my trip.

      Milo still puffin away, big ash falls off of big cigar, lands on
little parapacker.

     Little Juan has stopped smiling.  Milo begins to speak holding big long
rectanular cardboard priority mail box high up in the air.

      This my friends is a priority paramailer.   "ooooooooohhhhhhhh,
noooooooooooooooo!" went the parapackers.

     It holds 1 parapacker, couple of fon-gu packs, a whistle, a hanky and
my new cd "Live at Gooch Gap Shelter, Milo Garcia and the All Prapacker
Chorus Sing Your Favorites !"

      Little Juan faints, ibook flies, parapackers scatter,  Little Byron on
fire !

       Pharr-Davis says, "heloo, hello, parapackers, Milo ?"

Milo panics, grabs rest of big batch fondue from owner of *Main Street
Coffee *throws at Little Byron.

      Little Byron ducks, Little Benton ducks,Little Juan stands up.

       Splat !!    Litttle Juan back down.  Little Byron now really smokin.

*AP Reporter *grabs fire extinguisher from *Main Street Coffee *owner .
Milo says "Oh, No !"

Reporter pulls pin, squeezes handle, CO2 puts out fire sends Little Byron
flying over building across street.

 Byron smiling says  "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Byron land in back of pickup truck leaving. Little Byron out cold.
Parapackers all run around building can't find Little Byron

Milo lights another cigar.     Parapackers assemble, Milo tells them they
must mount a search for Little Byron.

Parapackers go door to door in Franklin showing everyone 8 X 10 picture of
Little Byron taken at* 2008 Gathering*.

Parapackers all ask "Have you seen By -woan ?"     Pickup truck still
driving up NC 64 leaving Franklin.
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