[pct-l] The Hiker's Guide To Hitchhiking

[Chuckie V]

Tortoise,
Here's what I'd written about hitchhiking back in 2006. I'd imagine it's similar to Bob's.


FUNNYBONE!'S GUIDE TO HITCHHIKING

http://www.trailjournals.com/entry.cfm?id=163260

We've all driven by him: the invisible hitchhiker. There he is on the side of the road indicating his need for a ride. His thumb is elevated and yet nobody sees him. Why? Because he APPEARS invisible. He's seated on the shoulder, dressed like a citizen of some far-off third world country and has roughly the same amount of enthusiasm as a three-toed sloth. I wouldn't pick him up. Would you?

The average household dictionary typically defines the word "hitchhike" as such: "to travel by soliciting free rides along a road". But there is so much more to it. Believe it or not, there is a right way and, as the example above clearly demonstrates, a wrong way to hitchhike.

First, a quick disclaimer: Hitchhiking can be dangerous! It can also be illegal in some places (on the PCT, Crater Lake National Park quickly comes to mind).

Rules of the Road: How to Get a Ride

A quick note: this is written from a roadside vantage. Ideally you will have wanted to previously sought out a ride by wheedling or "yogi-ing"* (*Please see the previous journal entry, A Glossary of PCT-Related Thru-Hiking Lingo) whenever possible.

There are a number of things you can do to improve your chances of catching a ride. The most important of these is to appear as neat and respectable as you can, whether or not you're actually neat and respectable. You should also appear as non-threatening to passing motorists as you can, even when they keep passing. A thru-hiker smells threatening enough, but there's no need to look THAT dangerous. Wash your face and brush your teeth with that sawed-off toothbrush.

FUNNYBONE!'S TOP TEN HITCHHIKING RULES

1) Face oncoming traffic and indicate your need for a ride by proudly elevating your thumb (NOT your middle finger). It's important that motorists can see you, so avoid sitting if at all possible. Avoid standing on a blind corner or at the crest of a hill. It's also imperative to give ample room for the motorist to evaluate you, ponder how far they're willing to take you, and then slow down and (hopefully) stop.

2) Smile! This one is critical. My odds were always better with a grin on my face, even if it was forced.

3) Clean yourself up and dress as smart as your backpacking wardrobe allows. Wear your cleanest, brightest dirty clothes so that you can be seen more easily. Wear shorts and show your tanned muscular legs—most serial killers are known to wear blood stained long pants. DO NOT DO THIS! Remove nose-rings, earrings, studs through your skull, your hockey mask, and any other unusual self-adornments or add-ons. Discard your sunglasses, your hat, and if you're carrying one, your chainsaw. If it's long and scraggly, pull your hair back into a ponytail. Think of hitchhiking as a business proposal: you have to get their attention before you can get your point across and close the deal.

Remember: you've been walking through the woods for weeks on end, and you might have forgotten how awful you truly smell. Clean up your act and get yourself titivated.

4) Provide evidence that you are safe by displaying a simple sign stating that you're a PCT hiker and need a ride to such and such place. I carried a small felt-tip pen for such occasions and jotted my request on a ground-cloth or roadside rubbish. "Home to mom" works wonders. Biblical verses can be helpful too, particularly those designed to guilt-trip all the self-proclaimed Christians who opt not to help out their fellow brother or sister. If you're daring enough however, you can use reverse psychology on your sign like I successfully did by writing, "PSYCHO KILLER NEEDS RIDE...NOW!" Or, you might try writing a town name in the opposite direction. Believe it or not, both methods worked for me.

5) When---if---a car stops, kindly ask the driver where they're going. At this point it is easy to decline the lift if you don't like the look of the driver (or passengers), or if you spot a blood-stained machete in the back seat. If they're not going to your destination, ask how close they "MIGHT be able" to get you to it. Don't imply that they HAVE TO do anything for you.

6) Never smoke in someone else's car unless they offer you a cigarette (or some of the good stuff) first. If they do, and you happen to smoke, party it up. Just be sure that if they are smoking the illegal stuff they know what side of the road to keep to.

7) Don't just stand there doing nothing. Dance. Take bows. Or do as Jason 'Porno' Porto did when he and I were hitchhiking together near the PCT's mid-point west of Chester, CA in 2002: get the truckers to blow their air horns by imitating the motion to do so. Jump around playfully, but try not to APPEAR like you've got one too many screws loose.

8) Take your backpack off and set it in front of you so that it looks less bulky. A big pack looks like it's difficult to load into a car and makes you look more threatening as well; this is another reason to travel light---as if you needed one. Also, if you're using them, keep your hiking poles in your hands and at full length. When collapsed, they can look like a deadly weapon or two. If it's needed, fold them down when you've secured a ride, but keep in mind it's not uncommon for hikers to forget their poles while hitching.

9) If you must, act as though you're injured and hobble around with a limp. Motorists are likelier to assist someone seeking medical attention than they are a hiker seeking a ride for resupply. Of course, if you're like most thru-hikers, you won't need to fake the limp.

10) Finally, if you happen to catch a ride on the back of one of those crotch-rocket motorcycles that look like a painted bullet, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT, ask how fast the bike can go! I made this mistake in 2002 on my way into Bend, Oregon. "We'll soon find out," my driver said. And I did. Every day since has been a bonus.

Obvious Rules: Don't hitchhike at night. Duh. Don't draw pot leaves or write "4:20" on a sign lest the local Omar (Sheriff) decide to investigate. Double duh. Don't underestimate how compassionate and bighearted people can be. Triple duh.

Disclaimer Number Two: If you're female, you can probably ignore the bulk of these "rules". It's doubtful you'll have much trouble getting a lift, especially if you're attractive. However, your responsibilities then become knowing who NOT to accept a ride with and this is an entirely different subject of its own. Hitchhiking involves other people and, as we all know, other people can be scary! Who knows, YOU might even be scary!   

Although hitchhiking is more hazardous than train travel and even bus travel, statistically it is still safer than many other forms of transport such as cycling, space travel and thru-hiking. Good luck and be safe!