[pct-l] Long Distance Hikers and $

[Heather Darnell]

Charles [may I call you "Cheers"?! It seems so fitting having read many of your posts ;) ]

Your response to Sue really reached me. I am 50, and won't be starting my thru-hike for another 5 years. "Married wife, single mom" - as our youngest deserves having a present parent. He will graduate from high school in June of 2016 - a bit late for me to start a thru hike, so I won't go until 2017. And I do hope various family members will jon me for at least parts of it.

This sentence of yours really made an impression: 
 Papa thought his refusing to join Mother would keep her at home. 
 I bet my husband believes the same! Not gonna happen!  I do what I can now to prepare, working out, taking short hikes. I am blessed to only work part time, and don't expect money to be a problem as I squirrel away resources bit by bit ;) 

I hope my husband will come to the same conclusion your dad apprently reached, and be honored to serve as the "home team" most of the time.

THANKS so much for sharing the inspiring story of your scuba diving mom :)

Blessings, 
Heather Darnell 

Message: 14
Date: Thu, 6 Oct 2011 08:16:36 -0600
From: Charles Doersch <charles.doersch at gmail.com>
Subject: Re: [pct-l] Long distance hikers and $
To: Sue Kettles <sue.kettles at comcast.net>
Cc: pct-l at backcountry.net
Message-ID:
    <CADH_B_iKqxp5_=MfNYi3iRBWybKFAo5JLOMsC7-PP3zr=ttQSQ at mail.gmail.com>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

Sister Sue, I encourage you! And I do understand.

Maybe other married wives in their 40s and 50s can speak to this challenge
you faced with even greater insight. I know my sister-peers who are married
found by strange and circuitous means that they had grown into a different
place than had their husbands by the time they reached their 40s ... (some
earlier, some later). Their needs were different. That meant life had to
change. [The old bon-mot by Oscar Wilde comes to mind: "Women marry men
hoping they'll change. Men marry women, hoping they won't. Both are
disappointed."]

My mother at 63 decided she wanted to take up scuba diving (since her knees
were injured and she couldn't hike well any longer), and my father was not
interested. He had done it much years before, and after having had a sharply
adventurous life, his taste for adventure had been waning. Mother's however,
had grown over time -- or deepened. She, too, had been an adventuress but
babies & hubby side-tracked her for years (though she infused our upbringing
with adventures, no doubt about it).

Now, after years, she had grown increasingly restless of being expected to
be her husband's nest. Her children and husband had felt entitled to her
attending on their needs for so many years. Where was the adventuring girl
she had known herself to be long years before -- the one not expected to
fuss & coddle, tend & mend, water & weed, wipe & tuck in? And she was
certainly finished with asking her husband's consent for her to do what she
wanted to do.

Papa thought his refusing to join Mother would keep her at home. But no, Mom
took up scuba diving (with me as her co-conspirator) -- and invited him to
come along, always. And he always refused. So she grinned and said, "I'll
send you a post card." And she did.

She joined me & my clan scuba diving in Australia and Fiji and Papua New
Guinea and in the Caribbean. She was gone for months at a time.  And she
sent postcards. Of course, Papa (a retired Air Force officer) had in earlier
decades flown off to assignments for months at a time in far-away and
glamorous lands while Mom changed diapers and held down the fort of an
entire household. He sent her postcards. She was a military wife then -- and
knew this was normal. She did not complain.

Now she turned to Papa when he tried to complain that what mother was doing
was selfish or unreasonable. (and, of course, our culture does guilt-trip
"mothers" for having their own adventures -- so Mom had to contend with the
whispering voices inside her, as well). She told Papa that he was a big boy
now. He could cook for himself. He had friends to play cards with. He had
movies to go to. He had libraries to read in. And no, she was not being
selfish to get out and enjoy life while her health lasted. He had seen the
world while she raised children alone -- and the country & neighbors called
that noble, and called that good. She was a big girl, she had been able to
handle it.

However, she also knew that self-denial for years creates reservoirs of
resentment -- something many mothers of a certain age recognize. She knew
that reservoir would only threaten her days with my father as the years went
by if it continued to fill. So rather than feed that reservoir -- she began
draining it, by taking up her own life in her own hands -- still loving &
caring about Papa & the rest of us -- but not being constrained by any
unwarranted neediness.

They stayed married. And Mom had adventures. And eventually, Papa
rediscovered his own atrophied taste for pizzazz. When Mom was out meeting
us in far & strange places, Papa would fly out or drive out to rendezvous
points & bring celebratory libations & festive food. We'd party with him,
then off & away Mom and the rest of us would go, and Papa would drive off
with a wave to meet us elsewhere. He became the support system guy
("logistical support" he called it) -- and loved the role.

Mom, at 84, completed her most recent shark dive in Barbados a couple years
ago.

Cheers,

Charles Doersch