[pct-l] Open Letter to Paradise Cafe

[Wes Rose]

Dear Mr. Cafe,

First, may I call you Paradise?  So Paradise, I am embarking on an epic hike from Mexico to Canada and
it will be quite convenient for me to have a resupply package mailed to your establishment to be held for me,
possibly for several weeks, until I arrive to claim said package.  I understand that it is your policy to open
hiker packages delivered to you and I wish to advise you here and now that I forbid you to open my package.
This is my hike, and the package contains my stuff - stuff that will probably conveniently become "lost" or
"misplaced" after you or your staff opens it.  Opening it will constitute a serious breach of my right to privacy, 
as well as my right against unlawful search and seizure.  Therefore, be advised that I plan on suing you if, 
upon my arrival, I find that the package has been opened or damaged in any way.  In fact, by the time I'm done, 
I'll own your miserable little restaurant and when I do, I'll fire the entire staff and sell the building to a porn shop 
just to teach you a lesson in civility.  I hope you get the picture.

By the way, can you please advise if you still hold the packages for free?  And do you still sell your famous 
Avocado Burgers that everybody raves about?  Since I am a hiker on an epic adventure and with limited
resources, would you be kind enough to mail me any coupons that you might have for discounts on the food?

Thanks a lot!!  

Sincerely,

Altruistic Hiker